I had my last counselling session a couple of weeks ago.
The process helped me to understand that a lot of what I have been experiencing (for many years, not just recently), was driven by my experiences in childhood. Nothing unpleasant, just that unavoidable circumstances led me to behave in a certain way. Long-term this meant that I ended up with a way of relating to people which was in effect very superficial. It also led to a lack of self-belief.
It also meant that I was suppressing feelings and emotions. My more recent behaviour was triggered by grief, which released all of this pent-up activity in a negative way. (That’s the short version!).
Having laid all this bare, I was able to work with my therapist to realise that I do have certain skills to offer, and that I have been successful in my endeavours over my lifetime so far. I am starting to believe that I am not worthless.
I have been attempting to keep going with the strategies we set up, and so far, it seems to be working.
I have been trying to monitor my behaviour, and I am finding that I am identifying times when I start to think in a negative way, and am able to turn those thoughts around fairly quickly. This has led to me being able to cope much more with what life throws at me.
I think that I have turned a cycle of negativity into a positive one – being able to cope better means that I get things done better, which shows that I can do things, which increase the level of self-belief. Because I am now telling myself that I have things to offer, I am coping better… and so on. I still have along way to go, but just watch me!
I am still on the tablets prescribed by my doctor, which I am sure helped me as well. I have an appointment soon to review my situation, and I am hoping that I will be able to work towards reducing and then stopping the doses in the near future.
I have been lucky. My treatment has enabled a reasonably quick way to get to a position where I can move on with life in a better way. I am not “cured” – I don’t think that’s an appropriate word. I have had help to find my way back towards where I want to be. I know that I must keep my guard up, use my strategies, and make sure that the past does not catch up with me again.
As I said, my journey has been quite short. I know that many people will have much longer, much tougher journeys than I had. All I can offer is my encouragement. From the initial recognition that there could be a problem, through talking to doctors, and working with a counsellor, it has been a hard road, but I would urge anyone not to give up. The light at the end of the tunnel may seem a long way away, but it is there. Keep going, and one day it will brighten your life.
Finally, I must say “Thank you”;
To my doctors, to my colleagues, and particularly to my therapist, a master (mistress?) of her craft.
To my wife and family, without whose love and support this would have been so much harder.
Finally, to you, the readers of this saga. It is a big help to know that you are not alone when dealing with an illness, and the Internet makes access to ideas, opinions, experiences and support so much more effective.So thank you for reading this blog, for comments made, support offered, and for all of your own electronic offerings. Reading about others’ situations has helped me tremendously. I hope that in some small way I may have helped others.
I will endeavour to keep this blog going, but my entries may not be as frequent in the future.